Chapter 115 You Only Have Feelings for Her
"Then I can't sign your letter of qualification. I will contact Secretary Zhang." Doctor Liu looked at her, his tone neither indulgent nor confrontational.
Fan Ci'en, who had already stood up, sat back down, took a scale from the desk and tore off a page as if no one was around. The things on the scale were not unfamiliar. The questions corresponded to checkable boxes, and a line of notes indicated the levels from 0 to 4.
0:没有;1:轻度;2:中度;3:偏重;4:严重。
Doctor Liu felt something was wrong, something was very wrong, so she took out a few scales from the cabinet and added them in.
Fan Ci'en picked up a pen and started ticking, "Doctor Liu. Will liking someone make you stupid? Will you lose control?"
【1. Headache. 】
0: None.
7. Feeling that others can control your thoughts.
2: Moderate.
76. Others do not give appropriate evaluation of your achievements.
4: Severe.
Usually, when patients are doing the scale, Dr. Liu will not communicate with them. Since the patients asked, it means they need answers. Dr. Liu sat up straight, took off his glasses, wiped them, put them in the drawer, and took out Fan Ci'en's notebook.
She took off her glasses smoothly. This patient didn't like doctors wearing glasses.
"Do you feel like someone is making you lose control?"
"Always, since last time."
Doctor Liu naturally looked through the records of the last consultation and continued, "It's still the same woman from last time. Cui Jing."
"Yes. And I feel like I'm being fooled."
"Fooling?"
"It's a bad feeling to be hot and cold."
Twenty minutes later, in the intermittent conversation, Fan Ci'en pushed over several completed scales, which included the malingering scale and the lying scale. Dr. Liu did not show any emotion on his face, but he was heavy-hearted.
She began to count. Item 7 reflected mental illness, and item 76 corresponded to paranoia. The scale score did not change much from the past, and was still in the middle of the high value.
Fan Ci'en was already ill.
After checking all the scales, Dr. Liu put her glasses back on, her solemnity relaxed a little, and her glasses were able to be worn again. There was nothing wrong. But the scales alone were not enough to dispel her worries.
"Can you tell me about that woman?"
"Very bad. I feel very bad. I feel a little stupid now." Fan Ci'en frowned deeply, "I always wonder what she means, her behavior, and what she says. Maybe she means nothing. Think about what she is doing, look at what she is doing, look at her eyes. Her eyes are empty, there is nothing in them, she can't see me."
"Why can't she see me?" Fan Ci'en asked.
Dr. Liu was more concerned about the patient's emotions than why Cui Jing couldn't see her. "You feel this emotion is strange? So you don't know what to do."
"Very strange. And very annoying."
"This emotion is not a very rare emotion. Many people... many people living in this world are experiencing this emotion. Humans are social animals. You don't feel this way about other people."
Dr. Liu's last sentence was not a question, but an affirmation.
Human beings are social animals. In the past, she had been patiently guiding Fan Ci'en to understand her own behavior and the harm she was causing. But she still had no way to establish a normal relationship with others.
She only has herself, her own excitement and anger, and sometimes even a small thing can cause her to explode and lose control. She needs to integrate into society, but there is no one she can feel for, including her family. She is blind to everyone in her bones and has little expectation.
"No." Fan Ci'en shook his head.
Another twenty minutes passed, and Dr. Liu asked some light-hearted questions, ending with an old question: "Do you still... not have any feelings for your father? His expectations or disappointments, his upward and downward emotional feedback?" Dr. Liu raised his hand and gestured a rising and falling motion.
Fan Ci'en shook his head again:
"You've asked this question many times."
Doctor Liu nodded.
Psychologists began to explore Fan Ci'en's past and family very early on. They wanted to trace the roots of Fan Ci'en's smooth life and find possible childhood traumas to explain her uncivilized, immoral, desires and addictions, and brutality.
——But there was nothing.
At best, it can be attributed to the fact that her oral desire was not well satisfied and she did not have any social interaction between the ages of 2 and 4, such as playing house and fighting. She seems to be born this way. It is a genetic and genetic problem.
Dr. Liu continued, "You only have feelings for her."
"Only her."
After hearing this, Dr. Liu suddenly relaxed. She originally thought that Fan Ci'en's emotions were aggravated mental symptoms, but she ignored the possibility that Fan Ci'en would have emotions like a normal person.
"So because of this emotion, you feel that your heart is being pulled by her, you feel that she has not made a correct evaluation of you, you expect her to evaluate you, and you want to get value from her."
"Yes. So what is this? Why am I like this?"
Fan Ci'en suddenly became extremely serious, without blinking.
She actually has the answer. She thinks this is like, this is love, but everyone says this is not.
Although he looked similar to the mature men she had liked before, she always felt that he was different. The subtle difference was like the several antique chairs in her collection that were difficult to distinguish.
"This is caring, liking or... loving." Doctor Liu closed the notebook. "Congratulations, you passed the assessment."
Fan Ci'en showed her cute smile of recent days.
Doctor Liu, who had already stood up, felt uncomfortable. After reviewing the previous conversation, she could also sort out the logic. Her emotions were affected by a woman, and she started like a normal person with emotions. She wanted to please her, so she disguised her personality. It is normal for people to be in love.
Even so, I still feel an indescribable sense of disharmony in my heart.
Dr. Liu took off her white coat and arranged for follow-up visits. "Please come back three times a week." She still needed to conduct a comprehensive assessment and further test or observe Fan Ci'en, which might take days or weeks.
Fan Ci'en was walking on the way home, the cold wind was blowing.
She drove fast before coming, started walking when she came back, and also squeezed into the bus and took the subway. The subway was hot and lacked oxygen. When someone stepped on her shoe and she was furious, she thought of Cui Jing's reaction when she stepped on her shoe.
The person who stepped on the person had a sad and mean look on his face. He didn't even say a word of apology. He just glanced at the person and continued to look at his phone.
"It's okay." Fan Ci'en was not angry and said to himself, "I forgive you."
She returned home and it was very warm.
Fan Ci'en took off her scarf and stood at the door for a while. Then the sound of the TV came from the living room:
"On January 1, according to expert research, the probability of secondary differentiation is one to five in a hundred thousand, which is lower than the probability of a car accident and almost impossible to happen. It usually occurs after the differentiation process is completed, and the characteristics of the new gender are not obvious or incomplete."
"Ms. Fan, you're back."
"Hello, doctor."
The person on the sofa was not the one she imagined. The counselor was waiting in the living room, sitting properly, with the news playing on TV.
"After the group split, some people developed differentiation difficulties, which seriously affected their lives and work. The drug 'Shu'anning' developed by Likang, a well-known foreign biological giant, was launched on the 19th. It can be taken by people with allergies, Beta and Omega who are preparing for pregnancy. The Daily News reported."
Fan Ci'en looked inside and asked with concern, "Did she consult you?"
"She came to see me on her own initiative." The counselor spread his hands. "There's nothing wrong with her, she's just too tired. I suggested that she take a good rest, return to her previous routine, and have a good sleep. She should be asleep now."
"Shh, keep your voice down, doctor," said Fan Ci'en.
Cui Jing couldn't fall asleep.
She opened her eyes in the room and could hear the ticking of the clock clearly.
She felt a little strange.